The decision about the child has been made, I have decided I’m going to keep our child and marry Zach. I can’t let her go I have fallen in love with her!! And I also want to be a responsible parent.
The Baby at 1 Month Old
Zach has decided to yield to what ever I decided about our baby as I am the one carrying it, he doesn’t want me pressured, and I was adopted. I know that raising a child means a lot of sacrifice, patience and so much more. I am willing to be all I can be for my daughter. I cant let her go. I love her so much! I’m going to fight to get back on my feet and get stable again and independent once again because I need to be all I can be for myself Zach and our daughter.!
Leave comments I would appreciate the feedback on this post a lot
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“Leave Comments”?
A bit demanding huh? Not even a please!
I’m a bit surprised by your decision. I was really expecting it to go the other direction.
Excellent!
I hoped that whatever way you decided would be good for the child. There is merit on both sides. But it is so good that you and Zach are going to keep the child.
Yes, patience is a big virtue.
Being stable and patient are two important and helpful goals. I know that with your improved communication skills and the situation with the independent guardian may help you achieve this.
good choice, get back on your feet and raise that family. if you two need help zack nows how to get a hold of me, and my family. you may need to make so big sacrafices with this decision but I think you are making the best decision you can make. way to go. if your mom does not like this choice too bad. it is your life live it to the fullest.
Yes!!!!
Woohooo!!!
My fingers have been sore from being crossed for so long.
You have to make your own decisions but I would have been sad to hear you choose anything other than to keep your baby. I’ve seen the long-term effects of choosing the other option.
You’ll both make great parents. It won’t be easy but it will be worthwhile.
Yes i belive it will be vary worth while thank you for the comment!
I’m very happy you’ve come to a decision that suits you, and that you don’t feel pressurised into it. I wish all three of you the very best of luck
I wish you and Zach the very best and wish you all the support from family and friends that love and God can give…carry on!!
Thanks for the comment jeff!
Katelyn,
As the son of a obstetrician I can off you only this advice:
The reasoning behind your decision matters even more than the decision itself. The only good reason to keep a baby is out of love alone.
It seems you also made the final decision on your own, and it seems that Zach has done the most loving possible thing for you by submitting to the consequences of whatever decision you make. I believe the two of you have passed a very important test in that regard.
You and your independent conservator should not discuss your path to having the conservatorship lifting and gaining your full independence, as you will need such in order to become a completely effective mother and wife.
You should also ask your independent conservator what steps would be necessary to have a chaplain marry you and Zach as soon as practical. Marriage will confer important legal rights and obligations upon yourself, Zach, and your child that not even a conservatorship can gainsay. These rights will be vital in allowing you and Zach to be together during the delivery.
Since Zach has been so good to support your choices unconditionally, now is the time for you to return that favor. You need to support Zach unconditionally in gaining the career he needs to support his new family.
If Zach is going to be your major financial support with you being home full time, he would also get far better pay and benefits by joining the military and select firefighting and/or rescue as his military occupation speciality. You would also be eligible for base housing, which would get you and Zach far away from your respective mothers. Also, there is a high degree of support between military families on base, as well as a religious community and discount on-base shopping privileges, which could only benefit you and your child.
I believe Asperger’s is not yet considered a bar to Zach enlisting, since the military considers it a personality subtype rather than as a disability, so long as Zach as no other problems.
If I am wrong, I am very sure that Zach, being such a fine and upstanding member of the community, can obtain any references necessary from school and other local authorities to obtain any waivers which the military might require.
I’ve already mentioned same to Zach in a separate comment.
Blessings from The Lords Of The West,
Aulë
I have to admit, I’m still concerned about her making this choice to please me.
Zach,
You don’t need to have any such concern.
After you have a few years of experience behind you, you will come to realize that a mother’s instincts toward her baby are extremely powerful ones.
Just read again what Katelyn said, more slowly, and you will understand that not only is she keeping her baby for no other reason that it is her baby, but that also she loves you extremely much for you taking the stand that you have with her.
With this kind of love and determination between you and your fiancee’, the three of you could have a great future together.
Best,
Aulë
Thank you for the advice. And for commenting. Your advice is greatly apreceated
Sorry, please fix typos:
As the son of a obstetrician I can OFFER you only this advice:
You and your independent conservator should NOW discuss your path to having the conservatorship lifting and gaining your full independence, as you will need such in order to become a completely effective mother and wife.
If you truly love someone, giving them the opportunity to reach their full potential, independent of your own wants and needs, is the greatest gift. Not everyone is capable of being a parent, for whatever reason. You must be able to take care of yourself before you are able to be a life-partner or raise a child.
The fact that you had announced one decision and have now changed your mind is an indication that you are not ready for this commitment. But you know what? You do not need to decide whether to keep this baby or not right now. There is still time. For now, focus on your own health, strength, and well-being. Then when the time comes, you will be better able to make the best choice FOR YOUR CHILD. One of the greatest sacrifices of parenthood is that it is no longer about yourself.
It is interesting, and very dubious, that all the comments posted are in support of keeping the baby and getting married. It certainly looks suspicious, as I know many more advocates of adoption than of two unprepared young people attempting to raise a baby.
Well laura i think you are saying this becase of my mother!!!! I sm vary upset by what you wrote! Im not trying to fool anyone! Im trying to grow and be myself and not be treated like a 12 year old by my mother who do’s not want to let go of me! This is uour child! Zach and mine not just mine!! We make decitions togeather!! I am geting sick of woman saying its my child!! Like zach is just a sperm doner or somthing HE’S NOT!! He is the father of this child our child!!!! And the love of my life!! This is our baby!!!!!!! Not mine not his oures!!!
I have to say that Laura is a prime example of the attitudes that I have seen in the last few months. Anytime we say were learning to a decision we always get nay-sayers that want to point out every reason why we should not make this decision.
I think the fact that we are unprepared is why we chose to make this decision early – rather then later. To give us time to prepare to raise this child and meet its needs. You can’t wait until after the child is born to start being ready to raise a kid.
I think the reason your the only commenter trying to push us still to put it up for adoption is because the other commenters are choosing to respect Katelyn and I’s wishes as parents – instead of trying to shove adoption on us after we have already made our decision.
If you read my comment more carefully, you will see that I am not pushing you to choose one option or another. My suggestion for you is to take some time to take care of yourselves before you commit to a decision. You can prepare for both paths without rejecting one or the other.
I understand that you are both angry and frustrated, and feeling unsupported. I am sorry this is a difficult time for you. Please understand that there are a lot of people that care about you. They don’t stop caring just because you lash out at them out of your anger and frustration, or because you disagree.
It takes wisdom and maturity to examine the opinions of those who disagree with us and find the agreement within them. I encourage you to do that . . . focus on where you do agree with those who love you and know you best, and work from there. If you want to be treated as responsible adults, then it is up to you to rise above any pettiness and approach all situations from a position of love, even if you feel those around you are not.
Actually you are pushing us to reconsider our decision after it was made because you disagree with it.
It takes wisdom and maturity to see that someone has made a decision and examined all the options. I encourage you to see that as adults Katelyn and I have made a decision we feel is right. Just because you disagree with our decision does not mean its petti.
Congrats mommy! Keep me posted on the expected dates.
You learn more from living.
Thanks Molly for your support.
I hope to see you soon, and I know Katelyn misses you all as well.
Will do moll! Thanks for being there for us!!
When Katelyn made the initial decision to have the baby adopted, the embryo was about four or five weeks along at the very most, wasn’t it? There’s a good chance that the only noticeable symptoms at that point (bearing in mind you had never been pregnant before so are likely to miss some of the very early subtle signs) was a missed period. The baby didn’t even have a heartbeat, let alone be kicking. So the embryo didn’t really seem real, perhaps. Oh ,of course you knew you were pregnant and what that entailed, but you had not yet experienced (probably) any morning sickness, any hormonal changes, any tiredness. You weren’t yet going through the thoughts of wondering what the baby inside your uterus might look like, speculating whether it was a boy or a girl.
).
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Only now things have moved on. You’re getting close to twenty weeks now, am I right? You’ll be starting to show more, probably got a recognisable bump. You may even be feeling your baby move now (though if you’ve not yet felt it still could be early days). So it makes perfect sense that you should change your mind as the pregnancy progresses.
As for it not being planned, plenty of babies enter this world through an unplanned pregnancy. Tom, my older son, was one of them. But unplanned does not always equate to unwanted. Yes it’s a shock and yes you do wonder if you can cope, but then you start to think practically. You get yourself some real life support. You get advice from your GP, your health visitor, your midwife. You go and register with online parenting forums for those times you need advice out of office hours and you join the Mother and Baby/Toddler groups in order to get some real life support and advice (and free coffee/tea and a chance to sit down whilst your toddler rampages through somebody else’s building
Farmwifetwo on Zach’’s blog got it spot on when she advised you to get support, please don’t ever underestimate the need to have some form of help. Not as disabled parents, but just as parents.
Ok, I will finish by saying whatever decision you would have made I would not have judged and here are some extra tips
1: The only brand new things your baby needs are a mattress and a car seat. Everything else can be bought second hand (obviously not food).
2: Babies do not need an array of outfits when they are tiny, sleepsuits, vests and nappies work well for the first few weeks. And you may want to go for more of the 3 – 6 month size as they grow so quickly.
3: The most important thing that baby needs is you. Talk and sing to your baby. Hold it and cuddle it. There will be times when the sound and sight of the baby crying will be hard to cope with, especially when sleep deprivation takes a toll. If you get to the point of feeling angry or in despair then place the baby in its cot carefully and go and sit in another room for five minutes. Then go back to baby and check for wind, whether it’s hungry, needs changing etc etc.
4: Wind as you know is very common in small babies as they can’t bring it up on their own and it can get trapped. If you’ve fed your baby, changed it and it’s in a calm, quiet room but still won’t settle then wind is a good bet. A good way of relieving this is to pick the baby up and gently hold it against your chest so that it’s head is over your shoulder (place your hand quite high up on its back to ensure its head does not flop). Now, take your other hand and quickly and quite firmly (but not too hard) rub briskly up and down the left side of your baby, where its ribs are.
5: You can help your baby get to sleep by very gently moving your finger tip from the top of its nose to the bottom of its nose several times. This works when it’s almost asleep but appears to be fighting it.
6: Baby blues which occur in thje first few days after birth are extremely common. Postnatal depression is less common, but by no means rare. Don’t think you have to soldier on alone and put on a brave face.
7: Be prepared to let some things slide, you’re not Wonder Woman or Super Man. If it’s 11 am and you’re in your pyjamas still that’s because you’ve been feeding and interacting with your baby.
Thank you for the great tips!! And the incouragment!!
Suspicious, how, Laura? I’m hardly a fundamentalist. You could probably even think of me as a humanist. Deciding to keep a baby or adopt it out is hardly a rational decision even in the best of times, and frankly I would be far more suspicious of a rational and cold-blooded and unwavering decision on the part of these two youngsters… because it means that someone had already done the deciding for them.
I think any and all potential naysayers should give Zach and Katelyn credit for being human.
Best,
Aulë
Thank you for standing up for us! It is greatly apreceated and thank you for reading and posting on the blog.!
Hi; you don’t know me. I’m a 39-year old mom of two who just started reaching Zach’s blog. And I just have to say that the ability to change your mind is a GREAT attribute of a good parent, no matter what Laura says or how she says it.
I have no idea what your disability is, but I’ll say this. I am disabled, and I am a good mom. And anyone who tells you that disabled people can’t make good parents doesn’t know what the hell s/he is talking about.
Being a mom, especially a disabled mom, is really, REALLY hard work, and placing someone else’s life and needs ahead of your own is also really hard. Being young parents is also hard. Don’t let people like Laura come along and make the job even harder. Just listen to your own hearts and your own heads, and the advice of people you trust who actually _know_ you.
Good!
I recommend reading Sear’s baby book. He has great things to say about babies having raised 8 kids and he’s all about attachment and not too strict either…
You know where to find me if you ever need advice or a break, whether that means to drop her off for a while to get some “me time”, or to crash on my couch and let me do the night time work. I’m here for you guys.
O cassie you made me cry , thank you so vary much !!! And thank you for being a great friend!! Hope to see you soon girl i love you!!
I’ve just found Zach’s blog, and through it, yours. The only people who have any business making this decision are you and Zach — therefore, you have made the right decision. Now the important thing is to believe it, and make it so! Do not doubt your ability to be a good mother; you *can* do it. Be aware of when you’ve had enough, though; every parent reaches their limit, and if you recognize the limit and take a break, you’ll be just fine.
The advice of military service for Zach is great, though be warned that you can’t always choose where you get assigned, especially in wartime. My hubby comes out of a military family (career military) and there are unique hardships there as well, such as long separations. But that’s exactly why the military families stick together so tightly, and there’s huge strength there as well. Also the VA medical system, which for all its faults, can be a lifeline. I have a relative in the US Army who was never able to get insurance to pay to fix his teeth. He joined the Army, and VA paid for it all, no question. That’s something to think about too.
I don’t really know you, but I do not think FAS in any way disqualifies you from parenthood. I’ve known parents who were developmentally disabled in various ways. They were all wonderful parents. The main things it takes are patience, respect, humility, and, above all else, *love*. And the knowledge that 3AM feedings don’t last forever.
It’s rough, that first month or so, until the baby starts to sleep through most of the night. Get through that, and you’re through the most physically draining part. After that, it’s more a matter of walking the road with your children, and I can’t begin to express how rewarding that is.
I can’t say I’m too thrilled with the idea of the military. Nice way of ending up with a 1 in 3 chance of PTSD and a 100% chance of helping to oppress, bomb, and invade other people who ought to be treated by us as we want others to treat us – and all the time destroying our own economy and way of life as we destroy others!
I imagine I will be getting blasted.
I’ve followed Zach’s blog, and his Twitter. You two just broke up via AIM the other day. And that’s the pattern, like two atoms crashing against each other, meeting, separating, meeting, separating…
From your blog Zach you are clearly not in a balanced, stable place yet.
Raising a child requires a hell of a lot more than love and onesies.
So you want to be newlyweds AND new parents all at the same time? With your personal challenges added in?
Zach, you write a lot about church being important to your life – might I suggest you read the passages regarding what mothers and fathers must do – and not do – for the benefit of their children?
If you do not get married but keep the baby I would strongly recommend you get your legal status represented. Your name on the birth certificate means nothing. She could write “George Clooney” in for the father’s name and that’s how they’d fill it out. If your state doesn’t have a paternity registry, then get a court order stating no child support, etc., but that names you as the legal father.
Beyond that I can only hope that whatever finally happens, the child’s best interests are always put first.
“It takes wisdom and maturity to examine the opinions of those who disagree with us and find the agreement within them.”
I don’t understand this statement. Does it mean that a sign of wisdom and maturity is to agree with those who disagree with you because they love you and claim to know you better than you know yourself ?
” I encourage you to do that” . . . focus on where you do agree with those who love you and know you best, and work from there.”
From what I’ve read from both Kate and Zach, this seems to be what they are doing and the reason Kate is comfortable with her decision to keep the baby.
” If you want to be treated as responsible adults, then it is up to you to rise above any pettiness and approach all situations from a position of love, even if you feel those around you are not.”
It seems as though you are telling them that they are being irresponsible because they are not doing what you and others want them to do. In my opinion, Kate has approached this situation from a position of love, motherly love, which is probably the strongest kind of love in the world. She loves her baby and want’s to keep her baby and be the best mother she can possibly be to that baby. What’s wrong with that? I think it’s commendable of her, that it shows not only wisdom and maturity, but great love.
I think this position of love that you speak of and advise her to take should be reciprocal and that everyone who loves Kate, claims to love Kate, should be offering to support her in her decision and be there for her if and when she needs them.
congrats thats exciteing. =) if u guys need anything let me know!
Congratulations. I am an adoptive mom ( I have bio kids too). I think adoption is good when the bio parents are a danger to the kids (or dead). I do not think it is a good idea when there is ANY POSSIBILITY that the parents will meet the basic needs of the child. I was hoping and praying that you would keep your baby. It IS the best thing for her. I don’t care what others are saying. I parent the children hurt by adoption. Some were neglected and/or abused. The thing that damaged my kids most is simply the fact that I am not their birthmom. My heartbeat is not the one that comforted them when they were formed. My smell and voice are not the ones they are comforted by innately. They do not understand the concept of love because in their eyes, love failed. Even mediocre birthparents are better than exceptional adoptive parents. (I’m not saying you are mediocre–just that even parents that barely meet basic needs are better than being adopted, I think). People romanticize adoption, in my opinion. It’ s not a glorious savior of a child. It’s a last resort to try to help a child heal. If adoption weren’t so accepted as an alternative more young people would keep and raise their children–and they would do a far superior job than even the best adoptive parents do just because they are where they belong.
Hang in there. You are doing the right, respectable, courageous and Christlike thing! You may have a disability, but you have help. The Bible tells us that God will not give us a job he does not equip us to do. In your case, part of that job may be finding help. Church is a good place to start. If you were my daughter, I would tell you the same thing and help you set up a network of support. Perhaps there is someone in your life that can do just that.
You are giving your daughter the best chance in life. Thank you.
I also should have said that I was an unattached child that was very lost in the world for a very long time. I got pregnant when I was 20. I had and kept my son. I was not prepared. I didn’t know what a mom did. I had never held a baby. I never even liked babies. I was really stupid about the world.
That was almost nine years ago. My son grew me in ways I never could have imagined. God did provide. I did learn to lean on him and my community. Now I am happily married, mom to 6. And I understand the hurt kids.
Just because you don’t know, just because you aren’t “ready”, just because you aren’t prepared. . .doesn’t mean that you cannot step up and form the community you know you need to do this job.
Good luck to you both. As an attorney I suggest that you consider getting married before the baby is born. This will give Zach some important rights that he doesn’t have now. You’re entering into a very exciting and scary adventure. Be good to each other. You’re much stronger together than you are separately. The situation isn’t perfect, but it rarely is for new parents. Support each other; don’t be afraid or too proud to ask for help and avoid the people who are trying to make you seem weak or incapable. If you do all that you’ll be creating a foundation for a successful life together.